Whipped cream is for ice cream, not your nipples.
I came across a sex bucket list the other day, and I must admit, I was intrigued. I’m no novice when it comes to trying new stuff in bed. I have a sordid pre-husband history. Plus, when you’ve been married to the same guy for 13 years, you have to keep things interesting.
Turns out, I’ve tried nearly everything on the list. So to save you time, I’ve narrowed it down to what’s worth it and what’s not:
1. Using a vibrator. Um, there are still people who don’t own one? Women, get on the vibratory train! If you’re not comfortable taking care of business alone, go ahead and involve your partner. I assure you that no straight man will ever say no to that kind of solo sex show.
2. Being tied up or tying someone up. Don’t go pansy when it comes to the ol’ tie up. Tie like you mean it. Don’t simply decorate your partner’s wrists with a tie wrapped around several times; get in there with some serious hog-tying skills. Use soft fabrics and materials, of course, unless rope burn is your thing. A blindfold in this situation helps calm nerves. Trust me.
3. Having sex in a car. Meh. I’m not against it, just make sure you have something to tidy up with afterwards, if you know what I mean. Also, car sex can get a bit crowded if not positioned properly. Recline that seat.
4. Joining the Mile-High Club. Unless you’re on a private jet with something comfortable to work with, don’t even bother. I’ve never met an airline restroom that left me feeling even the slightest bit sexy. And it’s hard enough to maneuver my body alone in one. This is one fantasy I’ve never understood (at least on a commercial airline). I’ll start my own club: People-Who-Respect-Not-Being-Jammed-Against-A-Door-When-Having-Sex Club.
5. Reading erotica. 50 Shades of Grey is crap. Read the Beautiful series by Christina Lauren and get back to me.
6. Playing strip Monopoly. Strip Monopoly is for people who don’t value their time and have all night (and some of the next morning) to get naked. My suggestion: strip rock, paper, scissors. Gets the job done in a quarter of the time.
7. Having sex in the shower or standing up against the wall. This can be dangerous if slippery, so keep your wits about you. Also note that there are some relationships where height and weight are a factor in regards to being able to accomplish the more “advanced” positions. (Which is to say, movies lie.)
8. Giving yourself multiple orgasms. Look, I’ve never been a multiples kind of gal. I’m all about quality over quantity. Plus, after learning there are women who are physically unable to orgasm, I’ll take what I can get. (However, if you’re able to pop off five or six a session, more power to you.)
9. Having sex on the beach. This leads to sand in your cracks and folds. I don’t care how careful you are.
10. Using whipped cream. Use real dairy whipped cream and you will end up smelling like rank cow farts come morning. Besides, it’s really melty. May I suggest Pixy Stix as a delicious and non-melting alternative? Still sticky, but not stinky.
11. Buying La Perla lingerie for sex. If I’m spending $200 on a pair of britches, you’re not taking them off. What you’re going to do is stare at me until your eyeballs fall out of your head because, let me restate, $200 for underpants.
12. Buying Frederick’s of Hollywood lingerie for sex. Is saying Frederick’s is the slutty little sister to La Perla a dig? Because I think we can all agree that if we put both lingerie options side by side, most people would opt for the $14 crotchless panty sex over the $200 please-don’t-tear-the-fabric sex.
13. Having sex in the rain. Like, actually outside IN the rain? How do you know how long the rain is going to last? Where do you go to do it in the rain that you’re not going to be caught? If we’re talking inside as the rain falls outside, thumbs up. That’s romantic. But literally, in the rain? It’s basically shower sex with dirtier water and a felony.
14. Having sex in the ocean. Hard pass. Sharks, peeping toms, sharp seashells, or potential salt water straight to the face. And need I remind you again about sand in your foldy places? Maybe make out a little, but keep the seawater out of my sea biscuit.
15. Using feather ticklers. LOCK THE CAT OUT OF THE BEDROOM.